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  • Writer's pictureNikki

Confidence Chats - pt 2

Welcome back to Confidence Chats (I'm still saying with Nikki, and Thor in my head!)

This week is a Chat that is exclusive to the blog! This one will be very hard for some of you and very easy for others - it really depends on where you are in your confidence journey.

Today we're going to talk about Relationship Inventory!

Let's think about the people you're surrounded by on a day to day basis. Your family, co-workers, your boss, parents at your kids school, their teachers, maybe even strangers at the grocery store on your way home from work.

Some of these people will have major impact on your life long term and others will not.

I want you to pull out your journal, and lets put people into three categories:

  1. People I WANT in my life - Think of the old, "If you were on a deserted island, who are the people you would take with you?" These are the people you love and enjoy being around - this COULD include if your relationships are healthy and your boundaries are respected - your spouse or partner, parents, kids, best friend, co-workers you love to hang with outside of work, your online friends, etc.

  2. People I feel REQUIRED to have in my life - this would be the people that have long term relationships with but they probably aren't the best - this COULD include parents, spouse or partner, your boss, friends, etc.

  3. People who DON'T matter at all in my life - these are the people who occupy your thoughts but have no significant impact on your life. "That lady over there is looking at how fat I am", "The cashier said enjoy your snickers and I said you too! Im so embarrassed", other parents in your kids class at school, or when you trip and fall and people see you - those people. You may not have their names, but I bet you can remember when and where you saw them and how it made you feel. This COULD also include people on the internet that you have seen say terrible things about you or someone you know and like, even influencers that make you feel bad about yourself. I have a general "gym bro's" on my list! I hate those guys!

Once you've written out your list, I want you to ELIMINATE one of your lists - I know which one you're going to pick automatically, for 99% of us its going to be number 3. But can I tell you something? In my practice of helping women gain confidence, I find that the vast majority of them care more about what the people in category 3 think about them more than category 1 and 2 combined.

They are sueded to dress, and act, and spend their money in accordance with how the people in category three perceive them - at least how they THINK they perceive them.

What would it be like to remove those people completely from your life? What would that feel like? How would you dress? How would you act? Would you volunteer more at your Childs school without fear of being judged for what you looked like or how you dress by the other moms? Would you wear your shirt tucked in to the grocery store if there were no eyes that would be staring at you? Would you speak your mind at work if you didn't fear being rejected by someone else in the room?

So, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. That girl you think is staring at you and judging you - she's thinking in her head that YOU are judging HER! If you tripped and fell outside of a store, the people staring are thinking to themselves thank GOD it wasn't me! Not, wow look at that stupid woman! The other moms at your kids school, they are worried about what they are wearing and are looking up on Pinterest "what to wear on a field trip" because they don't want to feel stupid around the other moms.

Now, let's say, just for funsies, that your neighbor sees you taking the trash down to the curb in your house shoes, no makeup, and your PJ's and thinks "look at that stupid woman, what is she wearing?"...that thought doesn't effect you at all! Who cares if they think that? It literally doesn't make any impact on your life from that moment on. And really, it shows what a sad person they are inside that they get pleasure from mocking and talking shit about a stranger! I mean, how weird is that?

We simply are NOT that important to other people. They are too busy thinking about themselves to think about you. Or hating themselves and reflecting that garbage onto people they know don't matter to them.

So there we go, category 3 DELETED!

So now we have category 2 - unfortunately I am not a therapist. I can not heal relationships with other people that need serious work. If you feel bad about your body because of the way your spouse talks or acts toward you, this need professional help. If your parents are cruel to you about your weight, you need to talk to someone about how to deal with those feelings and how to work on or move away from those relationships. This is why I call it relationship inventory. It's a constant in and out cycle.

BUT I have great news! When you realize category 3 people dont matter, you work on category 2 relationships - you only have group 1! Incredible people who cheer you on, love you for who you are, and don't care how you dress or what you look like, and that is where real confidence lies because you can finally be just YOU! And she's the real MVP of this story!

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